October 8

Okay I am gonna try to do this everyday, but dont mark my words. Today i am really frustrated, I try to help my kids and they just think I am a nuisence. God that frustrates me. When do they understand that you are only trying to help?? I was just telling Emily about her nasonex, and she just has to throw a fit and say "I'm not gonna do that" After I make sure that she has her prescriptions and everything to help her get better..all I want is for her to be healthy this winter. So I threw it across the counter.
Then I check Lucas' Infinite Campus to make sure that he is doing his work and turning it in. Not that he has the best record of keeping track of his stuff. Responsibility is something we still need to work on. I asked him if he will be passing by report card time. Because as of now he is failing all of his classes. Yes all 4...his highest grade is a 67. And what does he say, "I dont want to come home to this, I wanted to have a good night." Well ya know what?? So did I...
I try to talk to Mark about him being tired all the time. But I am a pain, and all it is, is a complaint. I just want to see my husband, to talk, to laugh. Maybe sit together and chat. But no, when he gets up he is too tired, so he sits in the recliner and then eats dinner and then is still tired so he takes a nap in the chair and waked up when it is time to go to work. So none of us gets to have us time. It sucks, and when I do try to say something, he says "I dont sleep all the time. You act like that is all I do." "I dont take a nap everyday"
So I figured with my memory I would just keep this journal and talk about all my frustrations here because I have no one else to talk to. I will go now and drink my bottle of Pinot Grigio. Hopefully the night will go better.

Ugh, jealous of Mark. He works out everyday and I am gonna be the Chubby wife. I know he asks me to go , but I am thinking of the gas to get there everyday. I am the one that has to think of the bills not him. I know he means well by asking, but I just dont think it is feesible. I have to think of another way to lose weight.

Lucas April 21st.

What a crab ass he is. We had Jace over and he and Lucas were in the bedroom playing video games. Then for some reason they were wrestling, Lucas is 15 and Jace is 7. Well they were having a blast and wrestling, Lucas was letting Jace win, ya know, what I imagine every 15 yr old would. Then Jace accidently kicked him in the face, I imagine it hurt, but Lucas blocks everyone out, gets pissed, locks his door, and lays down and cries. Jace then wants to go home because he doesnt want lucas to get madder at him.
So then Sheynah get up and says "wow Luke, way to make a little kid feel like crap" and now Lucas is out for her, calls her a douche bag, says everyone is always on his case. Sheynah wanted to watch tv, but lucas told her she cant get up and take over the tv. Yet he was in his room.... so he tells her she can finish the show and she only had 10 minutes. Then he gets to watch what he wanted. So I told him great you can take turns, if you pick an hour she gets an hour. She went up stairs, they dont like to try to deal with Lucas because in the beginning we knew Lucas had temper issues and we always told the girls, "just let it go, he'll get over it' "
He knows he has anger issues, he will admit it to me, but I think thats it. He has admitted it to me, he wishes that he could let things go, but he cant, he stews about things...he doesnt get upset and get over it, he gets pissed and stays mad about it for a while. For instance, he walked over to the sink after Sheynah went upstairs and there was water on the counter, well it got on his shirt, he was pissed, slamming things around because his shirt was wet and he had to change it and put it in the laundry.
So far that is my day and it is only 12:20

so how do i get them to learn to take advice? I try so hard to show them the easy way and they dont grab on. Shey failed 2 classes so she only got 2 credits this 1/2 of the year. Lucas, the same....it is so hard to see your child fail at something just because they are too lazy. All they care about is the video games, or the phone and iPod. It makes me feel like I am failing them. What do I do?? Where do I go from here? How do i show htem that they really are hurting themsleves. They are putting their future at stake. I know kids dont look into the future. Well not all kids. But I just dont know what else to do. I need advice myself. I feel that i need help.

I am just a mom, a real lonely one. Every time I try to be one, I am shut down. I have no say over my kids they just do whatever they want to and i know thats my own fault. I just dont know how to change it. I ask for something to be done and it might...might get done when they are good and ready. I ask for a certain bedtime, even just a round about one, and I am intruding. I sat down tonight and was shunned, "i am not gonna sit here and get watched like a little kid" I always feel like the black sheep. I could leave here and only mark would care. It really sucks. I am only good if I am doind something for them, other than that I might as well stay in my room like an outcast. Thats how I feel. I have been sitting here since 9:00 last night and no one talked to me then, I wake up at 3:00 am and tell them its alittle too late and I got crap back. I am used to it though......I just sit in silence and let them basically do what they want. See it's my own fault. :(